I never knew what home is until I built one. Right in front of my parent’s house, not technically built, but I made ‘a home’ out of secondhand recyclable junks and some real good friends. I founded a so-called coffee shop since August last year that now I called ‘a home’.
I worked hard every night and day to bought piece by piece of dream that I’ve always wanted. A place that I could feel like home whenever I feel lost. It’s a real thing when I put my heart and mind into it. It’s not an imaginary when I invest all my energy into it.
And of course, it’s a bit harsh when people talked shit behind it.
Continue reading “Run and away”
I hope you’re still shining, like that nickname that you’ve always wanted, Sunny.
I laughed my ass hard thinking about that while wiping some shits that teared down my cheek. Oh, you’re always be an irony. A contradiction that everyone talked about. A topic that everyone love and hate at the same time. Forget the hate, we can’t please everybody, can we?
You know that Monday nights when we went to our favorite place till’ midnight? God forbids and knows that I miss our time there so much. Or that Sunday afternoon when we walked together and laughed at everything life threw us. Or that Thursday nights when we randomly met at ‘that’ place getting to know each other ‘friend’. And those countless Friday & Saturday nights when we were to desperate to socialize until one of us texted each other with same template: “dmn u?”
Been almost a month since that clouds hide your shine. Darken this very city that we’ve been together almost every day since last year. You know what’s hurt the most? The fact that being left by you is actually harder than I thought. I just can’t. We just can’t.
You know, I deeply am thanking you very much to make my days brighter than ever. To made my home more ‘homey’ than it were. To gathered our good ol’ friends with similar minds and make something new out of your crazy mind. To remind me every little ‘touchy’ things that an INTJ like me never thought before. Dude, you’re like my sidekick. A sidekick that changed me a lot better.
I just wanna know that you’re still there for me every day. Or vice versa. And because of you, I pray, pray, pray, and pray harder for these cloudy season to end soon so you could come back and shine.
So, tell me, how you feelin’ today?
Choose life. Choose a job.
Choose a career. Choose a family.
Choose a fucking big television.
Choose washing machines, cars, compact-disc players,
and electrical tin openers.
Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance.
Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments.
Choose a starter home. Choose your friends.
Choose leisurewear and matching luggage.
Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics.
Choose D.I. Y. and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning.
Choose sitting, watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth.
Choose rotting away at the end of it, pissing your last in a miserable home.
An embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats that you’ve spawned to replace yourself.
Choose your future. Choose life.
But why would I want to do a thing like that?
I chose not to choose life.
I chose something else.
And the reasons?
There are no reasons.
Who needs reasons when you’ve got heroin?
Choose Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and hope that someone, somewhere cares.
Choose looking up old flames, wishing you’d done it all differently.
And choose watching history repeat itself.
Choose your future.
Choose reality TV, slut shaming, revenge porn.
Choose a zero hour contract, a two hour journey to work.
And choose the same for your kids, only worse, and smother the pain with an unknown dose of an unknown drug made in somebody’s kitchen.
And then, take a deep breath.
You’re an addict, so be addicted. Just be addicted to something else.
Choose the ones you love.
Choose your future.
– Mark Trenton
It was a quiet Sunday. I decided to meet someone I barely knew.
I got off a train to the city and pulled out my phone in the middle of light rain. He sent me his location. Deep inside I was a bit anxious, meeting someone I’ve never met before. I found him in a corner of street coffee shop. He was staring at his laptop and I stood in front of his table for a moment, making sure that was him. He raised his chin and smiled at me. I pulled out my hand as he immediately shook mine. I sat down after I ordered a cup of joe. I lit my cigarettes and the small talks began while he was still doing his script works until he decided to close the laptop then asked me in the eye where I wanted to go.
We eventually went somewhere we’ve never been, for the sake of curiosity and an escapee before start a new week.
Continue reading “Send Me Your Location”
I dreamed about us on a day nap.
You were slightly different, more like a sagittarian rather than an aquarian. You were warmer, friendlier, and we were chillin’ at a roadside cafe on an island. Everything was perfectly I wanted it to be.
And then something came up, someone from my dark times remind me who I used to be. Something sinful that I regret but kept doing it.
But you stay eventually. You hold my hand and tell me that everything will be okay. You accepted the way I am, and the way I used to be. Although you never say the word on that dream, your little actions tell me everything.
I woke up with an overwhelmed feeling and wondering, would it be real?
Will us be there?
She still remembers that day. The day when all hopes were turned into ashes. The last yet most beautiful dusk than she could ever imagined in her youth. Fact that she will lost all her freedom by marrying someone she didn’t love, was the only reason that she would become self-destructive. Even until the pain was all gone and she began to accept her fate.
Continue reading “The Only Friends Are Right Under Your Nose”
I haven’t written much lately, as even the act of sharing my thoughts feels exhausting. I am not sad to be by myself. Being alone gives me an opportunity to recharge my batteries. Shutting down and tuning out seems to refresh me, which is contradictory to an extroverts norm. I thrive on external stimulation, but when there is a lack of available stimulation, I become lonely and I shut right down. I crave for a huge amount of Oxytocin and Dopamine injected right through my veins. Strangely, I have the urge to get them from the people I trust, not the ones that I have known.
Believe me, I tried a lot of experiments to pass this feelings away. I took mood booster meds -both chemical and herb-, I smoke cracks, and now I have a strange tolerance towards booze. I become emotionally unavailable and psychologically unstable towards people around me. The truth that I live in an ignorant enviroment is just slapped me in the face.
Until one night, I found this anonymous app called Whisper…
Continue reading “Solitude in Anonymity”
Couldn’t be more grateful to have you guys in my life.
I know that I should’ve called just to know how you’re doing. Although I know that I don’t have to. I might be scared about what you will say, because I always know that I expect too much yet I don’t deserve you well enough. Now you know, I don’t have that much balls and I am THAT coward to actually face you.
I admired your fascinating mind and well-thought out stories. I long for your guidance on how to reach our shared dreams even if it’s a long way to go. I lost on your eyes, lips, and conversation with you until the dawn comes where nobody could find us. I am just like you, wanting normalcy but stuck in the outer fringes, not knowing how to participate. Too desperate to socialize with dumb people. Too care to make a little change around us. To live on that bubble. Laughed at everything life threw on us. Trapped on all of this world’s naivety. Even cried on silly thoughts of being just like common people.
I know you’re a good friend. A good one. Perhaps the right one. I always dream the impossible although I’m not that positive when you’re not around. Everytime I look myself in the mirror, I only see a poor widow that came from complicated surroundings that full of ambitious bigots and hypocrites. You must’ve been know that I haven’t reached the point to make peace with myself yet. I’m just an impulsive, psychologically troubled, traumatized human being that you won’t ever be married to.
But you know what?
I’m just curious that someday if you’re gonna build a ship, is there any space and chance to fit me in?
And if your ship left me because I was too late to ask you or you simply don’t deserve me, could I find another ship that brings out the best in me just like yours?
Or perhaps, could we meet halfway in the middle?
Where would we go then?
You don’t fall in love like you fall in a hole. You fall like falling through space. It’s like you jump off your own private planet to visit someone else’s planet. And when you get there it all looks different: the flowers, the animals, the colours people wear. It is a big surprise falling in love because you thought you had everything just right on your own planet, and that was true, in a way, but then somebody signalled to you across space and the only way you could visit was to take a giant jump. Away you go, falling into someone else’s orbit and after a while you might decide to pull your two planets together and call it home. And you can bring your dog. Or your cat. Your goldfish, hamster, collection of stones, all your odd socks. (The ones you lost, including the holes, are on the new planet you found.)
And you can bring your friends to visit. And read your favourite stories to each other. And the falling was really the big jump that you had to make to be with someone you don’t want to be without. That’s it.
P.S: You have to be brave.
Who am I?
I feel empty
I have nowhere to go
No friend to tell my story
No one asked how I feel
Nor how it is going
Nor even care
What am I gonna do?
What am I supposed to do?
I miss myself
Kind of lost her somewhere in the middle
Where is she?