I never knew what home is until I built one. Right in front of my parent’s house, not technically built, but I made ‘a home’ out of secondhand recyclable junks and some real good friends. I founded a so-called coffee shop since August last year that now I called ‘a home’.
I worked hard every night and day to bought piece by piece of dream that I’ve always wanted. A place that I could feel like home whenever I feel lost. It’s a real thing when I put my heart and mind into it. It’s not an imaginary when I invest all my energy into it.
And of course, it’s a bit harsh when people talked shit behind it.
Continue reading “Run and away” →
I hope you’re still shining, like that nickname that you’ve always wanted, Sunny.
I laughed my ass hard thinking about that while wiping some shits that teared down my cheek. Oh, you’re always be an irony. A contradiction that everyone talked about. A topic that everyone love and hate at the same time. Forget the hate, we can’t please everybody, can we?
You know that Monday nights when we went to our favorite place till’ midnight? God forbids and knows that I miss our time there so much. Or that Sunday afternoon when we walked together and laughed at everything life threw us. Or that Thursday nights when we randomly met at ‘that’ place getting to know each other ‘friend’. And those countless Friday & Saturday nights when we were to desperate to socialize until one of us texted each other with same template: “dmn u?”
Been almost a month since that clouds hide your shine. Darken this very city that we’ve been together almost every day since last year. You know what’s hurt the most? The fact that being left by you is actually harder than I thought. I just can’t. We just can’t.
You know, I deeply am thanking you very much to make my days brighter than ever. To made my home more ‘homey’ than it were. To gathered our good ol’ friends with similar minds and make something new out of your crazy mind. To remind me every little ‘touchy’ things that an INTJ like me never thought before. Dude, you’re like my sidekick. A sidekick that changed me a lot better.
I just wanna know that you’re still there for me every day. Or vice versa. And because of you, I pray, pray, pray, and pray harder for these cloudy season to end soon so you could come back and shine.
So, tell me, how you feelin’ today?
Choose life. Choose a job.
Choose a career. Choose a family.
Choose a fucking big television.
Choose washing machines, cars, compact-disc players,
and electrical tin openers.
Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance.
Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments.
Choose a starter home. Choose your friends.
Choose leisurewear and matching luggage.
Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics.
Choose D.I. Y. and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning.
Choose sitting, watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth.
Choose rotting away at the end of it, pissing your last in a miserable home.
An embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats that you’ve spawned to replace yourself.
Choose your future. Choose life.
But why would I want to do a thing like that?
I chose not to choose life.
I chose something else.
And the reasons?
There are no reasons.
Who needs reasons when you’ve got heroin?
Choose Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and hope that someone, somewhere cares.
Choose looking up old flames, wishing you’d done it all differently.
And choose watching history repeat itself.
Choose your future.
Choose reality TV, slut shaming, revenge porn.
Choose a zero hour contract, a two hour journey to work.
And choose the same for your kids, only worse, and smother the pain with an unknown dose of an unknown drug made in somebody’s kitchen.
And then, take a deep breath.
You’re an addict, so be addicted. Just be addicted to something else.
Choose the ones you love.
Choose your future.
– Mark Trenton
Your mind become limitless, you know exactly what’s in for you in the near future, you’ll become unstoppable yet reach your peace of mind and undistracted with anything in front of you except your truly goal at the moment.
The downside is you couldn’t stop it easily, you’ll get super exhausted by the end of the day, and you can absorb all information from the tiniest movement of your body. After you finished your goal, you’ll be information overload and suddenly care about the world, people, and even the stupidest politics that happening around you.
Eventually, you’ll sleep better at night and forget everything that happened like you skip the time before.
She still remembers that day. The day when all hopes were turned into ashes. The last yet most beautiful dusk than she could ever imagined in her youth. Fact that she will lost all her freedom by marrying someone she didn’t love, was the only reason that she would become self-destructive. Even until the pain was all gone and she began to accept her fate.
Continue reading “The Only Friends Are Right Under Your Nose” →
Quotes to live by this year. 2016 has been rude to me. My life was pretty much suck when it comes to work and relationship.
But then again, now you know why I still keep doing it.
Bring it on, bitch!
Negativity only affect you if you’re on the same frequency.
I have mastered shutting out negativity. There’s a big flaw in some concious Folk. They begin to think that they’re better than everyone else and that they know what’s best for everyone. So they begin to judge others based on how they look or sound or what they do for a living.
That type of mindset does not make you concious, it makes you another religious fanatic.
Wait a minute
Does that make me sound like them?
There’s something inside me that needs to get released every time I stuck on people’s head. A desire to get out of this hypocritical environment that filled of fake motivational speech but don’t understand how to make it right.
I long for something chill and stress-free. I drink coffee a lot just to make me focus more on my works and a number of herbs to make me sleep better at night. Eventually, I become a vegan when it comes to drugs and drink.
Continue reading “Long Lost Friends in the Wildness of Dagga” →
I just realized that took a lot of pictures since 10 years ago while looking back at my DeviantArt page. I was so fond of black white analog photography. I felt like I could express myself and met a lot of interesting genuine people on the street without even saying a word.
Anyone could be a photographer now. Everyone got high-end camera right on their hand. We just could take any kind of pictures and upload it anytime to their Instagram account. Show off your daily life and beloved by people or stranger around has never been this easier.
But the question is, are they even real? The shots they took everyday?
I feel like I’m losing my appetite to take an interesting picture. It’s just kinda exhausting to have a digitalized and perfect edited picture before I can upload it somewhere. I’m blinded to the fact that everyone around me got super artsy showing their everyday life. It makes me kinda nervous comparing to myself to the fact that I only stuck at the office 9-to-5 and 8 days a week. I just can’t afford faking my whole life for an Instagram post that probably get only 10 likes.
I do really miss it though. The feeling of its huge grip perfectly in my hand. The Van-Gogh-like point of view from its tiny window. The little sound of its shutter. And the freedom of being anywhere and taking pictures anytime just like the old times.
I haven’t written much lately, as even the act of sharing my thoughts feels exhausting. I am not sad to be by myself. Being alone gives me an opportunity to recharge my batteries. Shutting down and tuning out seems to refresh me, which is contradictory to an extroverts norm. I thrive on external stimulation, but when there is a lack of available stimulation, I become lonely and I shut right down. I crave for a huge amount of Oxytocin and Dopamine injected right through my veins. Strangely, I have the urge to get them from the people I trust, not the ones that I have known.
Believe me, I tried a lot of experiments to pass this feelings away. I took mood booster meds -both chemical and herb-, I smoke cracks, and now I have a strange tolerance towards booze. I become emotionally unavailable and psychologically unstable towards people around me. The truth that I live in an ignorant enviroment is just slapped me in the face.
Until one night, I found this anonymous app called Whisper…
Continue reading “Solitude in Anonymity” →