I haven’t written much lately, as even the act of sharing my thoughts feels exhausting. I am not sad to be by myself. Being alone gives me an opportunity to recharge my batteries. Shutting down and tuning out seems to refresh me, which is contradictory to an extroverts norm. I thrive on external stimulation, but when there is a lack of available stimulation, I become lonely and I shut right down. I crave for a huge amount of Oxytocin and Dopamine injected right through my veins. Strangely, I have the urge to get them from the people I trust, not the ones that I have known.
Believe me, I tried a lot of experiments to pass this feelings away. I took mood booster meds -both chemical and herb-, I smoke cracks, and now I have a strange tolerance towards booze. I become emotionally unavailable and psychologically unstable towards people around me. The truth that I live in an ignorant enviroment is just slapped me in the face.
Until one night, I found this anonymous app called Whisper…
When I met strangers for the first time ever, as opposed to friends and family, I am unlikely to be disturbed, distracted or diverted from my planet. My involvement with someone new becomes a singular meditation on preparation, expectation and execution. I met them in the dark and have no idea who they really are until they posted one fucking single paragraph. The best thing is, I could hide myself from them because they have no clue about me at all.
In my opinion, when someone posted a thought on an anonymous app and it is inevitable our path will, more often than not, intersect with the paths of others. Unless we are completely immune to the proximity of other humans, this intersection usually leads to interaction and, therefore, diversion. Not that I am averse to making new contacts or that I always do my best to avoid communication (quite the opposite, in fact) but in this sense, time takes on an elemental importance.
We all enter this world alone and we will all depart this world alone. Being alone is not bad. It’s just nice to have someone by my side, together, sharing life. As opposed to the urge of staying alone, the beauty one finds in being alone. People tends to get confused between the terms ‘solitude’ and ‘loneliness’. Loneliness breaks you, drives you deep into your shell, leaves you in a darker place where you get lost inside your own mind. However, Solitude nourishes you, it strengthens you, brings you out of that dark place, breaks your shell. And I found it’ll better be doing with someone new. A stranger. It’s like taking an acid, we could go to another world (in this case, someone’s space and time) even when our eyes closed.
Well, I have to admit that there’s a hole in my life. I always knew that I have faith and all I can do is to seek for God’s hand. But with the fact that people’s misinterpretation towards faith and take advantage for their own ego are just killing me.